Dinner for Schmucks...

Let me preface this in case you haven't seen the movie.  Paul Rudd's boss invites him to a special dinner where you basically have to bring the biggest loser as your guest.  He brings Steve Carell who makes dioramas out of dead mice...

Last week a friend of mine invited me to dinner for her mother's birthday.  As I showed up 20 minutes late, because the lack of taxis, I am, once again, the only American.  Not like I was shocked.  We all sit around a large round table in a private room where there is like a "lazy susan", as the food is passed around the table.  You just pick up the food with your chopsticks as it passes by.

The first thing that is asked is if I can use chopsticks.  I'm okay at it, but with everyone watching and my notoriously shaky hands, I was unable to pick anything up.  They laughed at me :(  Then the waitress brought me out a fork and spoon.  I was a little embarrassed but also relieved.

As the food went by, I had to ask what everything was.  I had the fish, which looked good until I realized there were tons of little bones in it that I kept spitting onto my plate.  Finally, I just started crunching them down to finish it.  I also enjoyed some frog (not bad), mutton (I now know why Elaine put it in her jacket pocket), and a few things that I decided I was better off not knowing what it was.  I was being watched with every bite I took.  If this was a test at eating, I was failing miserably.

My friend's father brought his own liquor stowed in water bottles.  The family felt the need to toast the stupid American all night long.  Even the grandmother.  I think they were trying to get me drunk so I would do tricks for them or something.  I did not...until the next day where I vomited all day long.  Like...ALL DAY LONG.  I guess I won the award for "Biggest Shmuck"!!

Only in China…

Some things that happen here are so crazy.  And all I can say is “Only in China”.  Here’s a few examples:

What’s in a name?  Most of the students here get an English name from their teachers when they are young.  There are lots of Peters and Johns (hence the bartenders at Fantasy Island).  And the girls have names like Sunny, Rainbow, and Rain (I assume their love of weather).  I have had the chance to name a few kids myself, and using people I know, I have named them Katie, Chris, Kerry, and Jeff so far.  The names of the Chinese have been basically common…but I have had some standouts.  First, there have been a few I don’t understand.  I’ll ask them to repeat it, but then just smile and nod because what else can I do.  Then there are the names that make me giggle, such as Jelly…for a boy, Obama, and Lincoln.  Finally, there are the names I just don’t understand what type of horrible teacher would ever think to name an innocent child.  There was Lucifer, one of the teachers at the school.  Mosquito, a girl that was actually kinda a pest, so the name was suiting.  And then my favorite…Hitler.  I mean, come on.  Poor kid.

 

 

The Famed American.  I have now come to terms with the fact people will stare at me.  I am pretty much the only American where I live, and it’s new to many of the people here.  The little kids point excitedly when they see me, and try to practice their English with an enthusiastic “Hello”.  The adults do it too.  The other day I was at the fruit market across the street from my apartment and a funny thing happened.  I have been to this market before and like it because they have always been so nice to me.  While shopping for bananas I noticed one of the employees, a young girl was trying to take a picture of me with her phone.  Then one of the other employees, and guy in his 20s asked if we could take a picture together.  No problem.  (Except it was Sunday and I still reserve my ritual of not showering on Sundays).  The girl took a couple of pictures and I thought that was the end of it.  As I was paying, she was still trying to take a picture, so I put my arm around her to tell her she could take one of the two of us.  She did…and then I heard a noise that I did not expect.  It was the screech of a teenaged girl after getting her picture taken with Justin Beiber.  I couldn’t believe she was so thrilled to take a picture with me.  Even people on the street were now watching us wondering who I was and why this picture had made this girls voice reach new highs.  I have to admit…I liked it.

The Dangers of Being a Chinese Child.  There are so many things that you see parents doing that makes you want to slap them.  The biggest things are the mopeds.  They are everywhere, zooming down the streets, in and out of traffic.  I have already seen some accidents.  I get a little angered that these adults are not even wearing helmets.  But what’s really frustrating is the fact their babies are just hanging on for dear life, helmetless as well.  Front, back, side, they just load up the kid and go on their way.  Very safe.

One day I was walking home from work, minding my business when a little girl came right up to me and tried to hand me a lottery ticket.  I think her parentals were playing KENO nearby.  After refusing her gift, she tried to give it to the next best thing.  A giant chicken tied up to someone’s motorcycle nearby.  Yep, a giant chicken just hanging out.  Not sure if it was a pet or dinner.

Good thing her parents got her, before she got to the Chicken!!

Do you remember that smoking baby from Youtube?  I am just waiting to see a baby light up here.

 

Spent my Birthday in a Chinese Police Station..

Ok, so it's not as bad as it sounds.  Let me begin with the night before my birthday.  My friend Ryan called to see what I was up to.  We were supposed to go out on my birthday, but decided for some early celebrating.  We went to this lounge called 1612.  It's pretty cozy and has live music 6 nights a week.  The singer there always welcomes us by calling out her American friends.  See, she is from the Philippines, and like me...does not speak Chinese.  I guess this is why she likes us.  By the time the bar was closing there was a drunk woman in a sparkly dress trying to sing every song up at the microphone.  Very entertaining.  We then ventured to The Forrest bar, which for some reason was closed on a Tuesday night at 12, so we went around the corner to a dive bar called Jack's.  It was quiet with a pool table, and a cat (Pet, not food).  Ryan took a phone call, when this women came up to me to say, "Are you with handsome boy?"  Ummm, no, just a friend!!  As she drunkenly chatted me up in broken English, I realized she was the same woman from the other bar.  Her name was Maggie.  Crazy.  At 1am, this bar closed and Ryan and I still wanted to stay out.  We grabbed a taxi and just asked him to take us to any open bar.  Well, we ended up at a club.  And I am not a club person.  I did manage to dance on stage with other Chinese people to Pitbull's Everything, since technically it was my birthday and it was China.  Needed the memory.  Ryan filmed it, but I didn't need the memory that badly.  As we tried to leave, there she was.  Maggie.  The drunk lady from the last 2 places.  Man, she was everywhere.  She managed to get us back into the club to buy us some drinks and not so nonchalantly try to set me up with her older, not so good-looking Chinese friend.  Ugh.

So the next day, Wednesday, is my actual birthday.  I have to meet some girls at school because I have to get my Resident Permit at the police station.  I am now a resident until August 20, 2013.  On the way to the police station I noticed I had gum all down my pants, shirt, hoodie...One of the kids must have stuck it under a table at school and lucky me got it all over me.  One of the teachers said "maybe it's good luck...like when you make shit".  I looked at her funny and she said "S-H-I-T".  Ok, do you mean step in shit, not make it.  She giggled the way the Chinese do and said "yes, step in it.  All I was thinking that if the Chinese thought making shit was lucky, then they must be lucky at least once, maybe twice a day...(more after a big meal!!))

That night Ryan and I went to Forrest Bar.  About 6 of my coworkers came as well.  The band sang happy birthday to me and many other patrons came over to cheers me for my special day.

Grace, Me and Shirley with a Tower of Tiger!!Eric, Cecelia, and Rainbow (They love the Peace Sign)

  Shirley and her boyfriend David.

As the night went on...Guess who showed up??  Crazy Maggie, as I now like to call her.  And she brought me a cake.  It said I was 35, but close.  As the bar closed the night still wasn't over.  Maggie, Ryan, 2 Chinese police officers that were friends with Maggie, and I went to get Hot Pot.  We go a private room in a restaurant where they have 2 boiling bowls of broth in the center of the table and we cook our own food.  Letting the Chinese choose our cuisine, may not have been the best idea.  I ate some gross things including Duck Blood.  I tried to put a chicken foot in my mouth, but I think I must have turned green and decided this foot was not for me at 1am.  All in all, a memorable birthday in China!!